Knowing how to improve family toxic relationships is not easy and in all cases they are situations that we find hard to leave, even knowing that they are harmful. When we think of so-called toxic relationships, we bring to mind a poorly managed relationship. But they can also be given among the members of a family, between co-workers and even among friends.
In this article we are going to give you some guidelines to overcome the anxiety about toxic relationship with your mother, but before we will define the concept.
What is a toxic relationship
The first thing you should ask yourself, before being interested in leaving a toxic relationship, is when and why a relationship may be proving so harmful. A great indicator to know if the relationship with your mother is of this type, is if you feel bad when you are together. If you feel manipulated and do or say things you do not want, if you are wanting to get away but you are not able … they are warning signs.
In such cases, the relationship supposes a suffering for you and, surely, also for her, that will always try to reach a little further in the manipulation. The emotional strain is so great that it can even lead to physical symptoms, such as increased blood pressure and headaches. And, also, in problems such as stress or anxiety.
How to identify if you have a toxic relationship with your mother
Learning to identify your mother’s behavior is essential to face the situation and walk towards an acceptable relationship between both. It is important to note that when we talk about leaving a toxic relationship with your mother, it is not necessary to completely abandon contact with your mother or with the rest of your relatives, but it is possible to redefine the way in which you relate so that be more healthy These are some of the signs that can help you to know if the relationship between you is toxic.
Very controlling personality
It is the most visible characteristic of the toxic mothers, which is not limited to the fact of education about their children, but it is prolonged during adulthood. If your mother is not convinced by your ability to decide on your own affairs, perhaps you are trying to follow her criteria when it comes to taking your life path.
This way of behaving can produce anxiety and end up undermining your self-esteem and your determination to be autonomous, an essential step to reach maturity. It tends to occur more frequently in cases of single mothers who have educated their children alone. If you think that is your case, you must find a way to overcome the anxiety of toxic relationship and build a life to suit you.
The projection on his daughter/son
A toxic mother tends to consider that you, as a descendant, are a continuation of her own life and that, therefore, you must reach the goals that she did not reach. In reality, this desire for projection is experienced by both parents and mothers, and not only in the single-parent family. It is assumed that children, having had more and better educational resources, must reach higher social levels.
In this scheme, it is vital to learn the way to break a toxic relationship that will eventually put you in a very painful situation: you will have to forget your dreams to repair the frustrations of your mother.
Mistrust of the environment
Toxic mothers assume that only they are a good influence on their children, so the rest of the relationships are inappropriate and even harmful. In this way, many times, both friends, colleagues and partners become part of the group of undesirables that surround their children and that nothing good is going to contribute.
When children are young, the mother can use her authority to prevent the child from relating to people she considers inappropriate. But in the case of adults, when the authority is no longer exercised in the same way, your mother will try to discredit any person you have close and that is important to you, creating a huge sense of frustration and possibly anxiety. It is vital to learn to cut these behaviors and face the anxiety of a toxic relationship of this nature because, otherwise, you will end up with a very limited environment in which, above all, the few people who are not even you have chosen you.
Indifference towards you
It is another form of toxicity in the relationship between mothers and daughters. The excessive indifference of the mother for everything that happens in the lives of her children can be a cause of constant frustration. Not only does he show no interest in your problems, your achievements or your life in general. Neither shows desire to manage family frictions or any other aspect related to you.
This situation can cause you the same level of anxiety as in the case of a controlling mother, and you will have to learn to recognize the signs of toxicity in the relationship in the same way.
How to leave a toxic relationship with your mother without isolating yourself from your whole family
Before going on to the councils, it is important to emphasize that, if you are in the above situations, you must redirect the relationship and ask for help if you do not feel confident that you can do it alone. Here we are going to offer you some tools so that you can work the bond with your mother, feeling free and well.
# 1 .- Take distance from her
If the relationship is very deteriorated by years of tension, it is best to take physical distance, at least at first. In this way you can analyze your relationship without having the constant and stifling presence of your mother and without her indications on how you should think, feel and act.
But if you choose this solution you should be aware of the side effects that can bring. In our society family values are still very ingrained and breaking away from your mother can be a source of social shame and isolation from the rest of the family.
In any case, it does not have to be a definitive solution, it can be temporary until you clarify your ideas and recover the emotional stability to establish how to leave a toxic relationship without devastating consequences for your future. Only in the most severe cases will this solution be irreversible.
One of the characteristics of the toxic mothers is that the sacrifice that supposes for the children to continue maintaining contact with their mothers is sometimes so heavy that the only option is to cut off contact with them. However painful this exit may be, the suffering will diminish as time passes and you get used to the new situation.
# 2 .- Mediating with your mother
In this case, the effort will be very great, not only because you have to know how to eliminate such a toxic relationship, but because it will be up to you to establish the limits in your relationship. This mediation will be possible only if the toxic relationship is not at an extreme limit or if your mother is really afraid of losing you.
You can count on the help of a professional to guide you on the road to recovery, and then go with your mother to him. The mediator will help to modify the channels of communication between you and to unlock the difficult points of the relationship, making both of you feel better.
You can also choose to ask a relative close to both to help and mediate between you, to avoid a total break. But many times this is not possible because of difficulty in being impartial.
What objectives are achieved with mediation
Encourage adult dialogue and resolve differences jointly.
Expand the understanding of the two about the other person’s wishes and preferences.
Change the attitude of control on the part of your mother about your life and your options. A well-resolved mediation will help you to understand your abilities and your preferences in life, different from hers.
Give the necessary tools to both to strengthen the relationship on a basis of respect and acceptance.
Offer concrete solutions and exercises to work on certain aspects that are especially painful or causes of conflict.
How this mediation is carried out
Although, as we have said before, mediation can be done by a person who is trustworthy for both, if the relationship is very difficult it is best to go to a professional. Through a structured protocol and periodic sessions, will help you redirect your relationship by favoring communication and establishing agreements that must be respected by the parties.
In the next session these agreements will be reviewed and a balance will be made of how the relationship has been from the previous session.
If both are motivated to save the mother-daughter relationship and to make it satisfactory for both of them, the solution of the mediator is, in our opinion, the most advisable.
# 3.- Learning to accept your mother
If you are interested in knowing how to leave a toxic relationship by accepting the particularities of your mother, in this case, you should try to subtract what she says or what she does. It is the most difficult option that we have presented to you, but perhaps the only viable one in the case of a dependent mother, old woman or with whom you share a home.
There is always exit
You may have the sensation of being in a situation with no way out, since you can not opt for any of the solutions that we have raised previously. Your mother is not in a position to go to a mediator and you can not, for whatever reason, physically distance yourself from her.
Although it may seem complicated and unreal, if your situation is what we have seen you have to make an effort to convey how it affects what she does and says about your life. Be sympathetic and try to be the mediating part in your relationship, to get a less harmful relationship and thus work on acceptance.
But that you decide to accept your mother as she is does not mean that she has the right to behave with you in an oppressive way. Not to have a despotic treatment towards you. You must work not to submit to their whims or their manipulations. Your unhappiness is yours and it should not interfere with yours, so do not let it unload on you your own frustration.
If you decide to accept your mother’s way of being instead of breaking the relationship with her, you are in your right, but you must set limits and force yourself to respect them and make them respect them.
If after reading the article you are clear about what your path should be regarding the relationship with your mother, we encourage you to do it with force and determination, without letting yourself be involved in emotional blackmail. Learning to overcome anxiety by toxic relationship is complicated and, if you need it, do not hesitate to seek emotional support in your environment or in a professional. They can work with you to help you develop a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
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